Are you a bumbling, fumbling moron when it comes to moving a mouse cursor around on a screen looking to do some seriously advanced video mashup crap on your computer? Have no fear! iMovie is here, and if the UX is too complicated, just go to the Apple store, and act like a completely lost puppy that’s on fire — they’ll put you out and set you right up.

“Big deal, they’re trying to help everyone not computer-savvy try to get comfortable with buying a Mac”, sure — by ensuring that all the idiots that haven’t done it yet are encouraged that help is at the ready. You don’t think Apple would assume that everyone that doesn’t purchase from their Apple stores is a dumbass waiting to get had by a shady salesperson on the corner in their crackhouse-looking tech-shop, right? Wrong. Buy from the blue shirt guys, or consider yourself robbed… “Basically.”

The message here: fear everything non-Apple. Don’t support independent business. Be weary of “others” who love and understand technology — because they probably don’t even support iPhoto, God’s gift to graphic image processing. Oh, and expect your computer to come with “everything you’ll ever need already in it”, Apple knows what you need, always and forever. Seriously.

As an added bonus, it is Apple’s mission to ensure that you know so little about everything, that you’ll need their help every second of every day. In fact, chances are that if what you’re using is more complicated than a toaster with 3 settings, you’re probably screwed. It’s okay though, the blue shirts have your back.

I might be sounding off like a complete naysayer and taking the exact stance you’d expect from an “Apple hater”, but this depicts, from Apple, exactly why I absolutely hate Apple. Their mission isn’t just to make computers easier, more digestible, and accessible to everyone. Their message to millions of Americans last night was, “you’re all idiots, we know, we built it that way, but it’s okay, we’re here to just do it for you.” For free, since you paid an outrageous amount of money for this piece of junk machine. Well, maybe. Those warranties are really finicky.

This style of advertising shames geeks. It shames people who understand their computers. It normalizes a complete lack of understanding of technology. You don’t need to know anything! They’ll just do it for you, you moron!

… and people have the gall to ask me why I won’t buy Apple products, and actively loathe them, boisterously, loudly, and vehemently?

07.28.12 • posted in: Technology